corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
