good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
PANTIES FOUND
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
