We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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