so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
