I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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