I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
