I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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