I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
