Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
