Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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