I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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