Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
is this the sara with the beer cane?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
