so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
