I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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