she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
