I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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