I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
