mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
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i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
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I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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