I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
