Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
