life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
