There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
