and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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