Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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