allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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