I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
