I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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