I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Pooping to opera.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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