One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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