Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
