woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
