Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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