I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
