those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize