Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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