Your favorite bartender is back from prision
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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