I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
