So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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