I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She even gives head with a lisp.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
