she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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