I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
