She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
