help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
