My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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