you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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