So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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