god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.