pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"