don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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