I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
