I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
