What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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