Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
