We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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