Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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