there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
