I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
